


Cactuar Catastrophe!

by Lady_of_Rohan



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Animal Attack, Awkwardness, Bad Puns, Butts, Camping, Caretaking, Comedy, Embarrassment, Flirting, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Male Bonding, Minor Injuries, Needles, Ouch, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 08:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13923642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_Rohan/pseuds/Lady_of_Rohan
Summary: Noctis leaves the tent in the early AM to relieve himself, and gets more than he bargains for as he stumbles across one of Leide's most wanted. Ignis provides a helping hand in the painful aftermath.Why yes, this is a "Noct gets Cactuar'd in the butt" fic.





	Cactuar Catastrophe!

**Author's Note:**

> I met a Cactuar very early on in my gameplay, and it was not nice. I couldn't help but imagine such a scenario, because that's just Noctis' luck! Also... Ignoct... ;)

Noctis was up early... _far too early_ for his liking.  
  
Rolling over in the tent, sandwiched between Ignis and Prompto, Noctis knew even without checking his phone that it was well before 6am. He could tell time by when Ignis rose each morning, sometime around 6:30 as he prepared breakfast for all of them. As he observed his advisor, who he happened to be facing, he was still fast asleep.  
  
He would have been in a similar state, had his bladder not betrayed him. With a groan, and a stretch, careful not to elbow anyone, Noctis got himself upright, and carefully stumbled out of the tent so as not to awaken the others.  
  
In lounge pants and a tee, Noctis didn't bother putting his shoes on. He wouldn't have to go far, just enough to relieve himself. It wasn't like the desert minded. Could probably use the liquid during such a dry season, anyhow.  
  
Not quite out of the woods in terms of not making noise, Noctis had to sneak around Gladio, who had opted for remaining outside the tent until morning, vigilantly keeping watch. The massive bodyguard was dozing in an armchair. He supposed he was used to it, his survivalist lifestyle making outdoor life natural.  
  
It was far from natural for the Prince.  
  
Toes in the sand, Noctis traversed the slope of the Haven, enjoying the cool earth beneath his feet. Overnight, it was amazing how comfortable it got, but come afternoon, the sand would be like walking on fire once again.  
  
Noctis opted for a spot a few yards away from camp, near a group of cacti. One of them almost looked like it was dancing happily. Still bleary-eyed, he utilized the hole at the front of his pants and got to business. Closing his eyes, he sighed with relief. Definitely drank a bit too much the evening before, but then again, Ignis' meal had been a bit spicy. It was easy to over-hydrate after a long day roaming the Leiden desert.  
  
He thought he may have caught something move out of the corner of his eye, a lizard or similar animal. There were a bunch of weird creatures he'd never seen before roaming around. Thinking nothing of it, Noctis got himself situated and was ready to crawl back into the tent and sleep until Ignis yelled at him to wake up.  
  
When he turned to head back towards camp, there was a strange rustling sound behind him, but before Noctis could spin around and see what had followed, a flash of blinding, white-hot pain consumed him. Disoriented, Noctis stumbled, a startled groan escaping him. At first, he terrifyingly thought that his childhood injury had decided to act up, as he momentarily felt paralyzed.  
  
But then some of the most excruciating pain of his life met his senses, registering in his brain, and Noctis screamed.  
  
It felt like he'd been stung by thousands of bees, his back arching as a surge of panic rushed. Instinctively, his palm reached to survey the damage of whatever the hell had happened,  but he was left even more confused. He felt as if he'd stuck his hand on the back of a pincushion. His fingertips gently appraised one of the foreign objects embedded in his skin. And then another one... _and another one_...  
  
Noctis, on impulse, gripped one between his fingertips and yanked one out with a gasp, seeing blood at its tip.  
  
He swayed with dizziness.  
  
Noctis was praying he wouldn't pass out, when he heard shouts coming down the hill from the Haven. Soon, his friends were rushing towards him; Gladio without his shirt, Ignis with his hair down and in his eyes, his tee untucked from his pants... and Prompto still in his boxers and an oversized tank.  
  
"Noctis!" Ignis spoke first, bare hands upon his shoulders as he closed the distance between them. "Are you all right?"  
  
"I left to pee, and... I think something bit me," he managed, though he was terrified of turning around to show the others. Ignis tipped Noctis' chin, looking him over.  
  
"A bite? We don't have any antidote." Noctis could tell that Ignis' brain was already working a mile a minute. He hated being unprepared. But no one had been prepared for this...  
  
Of course, it led to the next natural question.  
  
"Where did it get you?" Prompto asked, bleary-eyed, but looking concerned. "Did you see what it was?"  
  
Though he hadn't seen it, the location of his wounds was, well, obvious. _Painfully obvious_. Noctis hesitated on his response, face flushed with embarrassment as the words got caught somewhere in his throat. He needn't say anything at all, because Gladio was already circling him, tugging at his upper arm to spin him slightly and display the damage to the group.  
  
His scarred face twisted into a grimace. "Hate to break it to ya, Prince, but that's no bite..."  
  
Ignis' hands had left him, bringing a palm over his own mouth as he analyzed the situation. "Cactuar needles. _Multiple_... Cactuar needles."  
  
_"What?"_ Noctis felt ill.  
  
"They're incredibly rare," Ignis continued, "and extremely territorial. It's most unfortunate that you stumbled across its path."  
  
Prompto was moving back and forth, almost bouncing, observing Noctis at all angles.  
  
"Noct, buddy!" he exclaimed. "He got you right in your a--"  
  
" _Prompto_."  Ignis cut him off, in that typical scolding tone that he reserved mostly for the blond.  
  
"Pretty sure he knows," Gladio added. "1000 Needles is no joking maneuver."  
  
Noctis had certainly been familiar with the fabled creature long before getting attacked by one. Their mascot-like bodies were even featured on crosswalks in Insomnia. They were popular, in plush, figures, and the like... but it left Noctis wondering why in the Astral's name that was true, because according to him, they were a literal pain in the ass.  
  
"Does it hurt?" Prompto kept pestering, while Noctis stood, stiffer than a board. He looked ready to reach out and prod one when Gladio caught his wrist. Glaring at his best friend instantly got him to shut his mouth.  
  
"What shall we do?" Ignis asked. "I daresay we're far from any hospital."  
  
"No way... _no hospitals_." Noctis couldn't help that he had a knee-jerk reaction to that. He hadn't been in one since he was a kid, but he hated the thought. Besides, if news got out that the Crown Prince left Insomnia only to become target practice for a Cactuar, he'd die from humiliation long before his wedding day.  
  
"Gotta get the barbs out," Gladio offered, "if you use a potion, those'll heal over right in his skin."

Noctis winced.  
  
"Then I suggest we get him back to camp."  
  
Ignis glanced to Noctis, who glanced to Gladio, who glanced back to Ignis. The two exchanged looks the Prince didn't like one bit.  
  
"All right, upsy-daisy." Gladio was already crouching as Noctis attempted to recoil, but he backed up into Ignis and yelped.  
  
"Gladio, hey, _don't_ \--!"  
  
Even Ignis couldn't help him. His pleas were to no avail, as he was already scooped from just below his knees, tossed over the Shield's massive shoulder like a child's ragdoll.  
  
Instead of his hand holding him in place by his backside, understandably Gladio's palm came a bit lower, where to his knowledge, there were no needles sticking out of him.  
  
Noctis suffered the entire short 'ride' back to camp with little dignity left intact, and he knew that it was only about to get worse. Once they were up the hill, Ignis had gone on ahead, entering the tent before the rest of them. Prompto held the flap open while Gladio ducked them inside, and gently let Noctis down onto his front, on one of the cots.  
  
The Prince squirmed, his humiliation having far outweighed the initial pain, but now discomfort was biting again at the edge of his senses. Resting up on his forearms, grimacing, he watched as Ignis procured the first aid kit, pulling out antiseptic, gauze, and tweezers before situating himself on his knees beside him.  
  
"This is going to be dreadfully uncomfortable," Ignis warned, and Noctis felt his warm palm on the back of his thigh to anchor his grip.  
  
"I trust you," Noctis groaned. He trusted Ignis with everything, from cooking, driving, cleaning up after him... injury-caretaking, and of course, his life. Although it was definitely going to suck, he was grateful that Ignis was around to be doing this. Prompto was too shaky and would probably ask too many questions, and Gladio was rough and far from empathetic.  
  
"Careful with them," Gladio said gruffly, from the other side of him. "If they break, you're gonna have to dig 'em out."  
  
"I'm sure I can manage," Ignis said, tone a bit cutting. Noctis knew it was his way of politely telling Gladio to blow off and let him do his work. "Are you ready?"  
  
Noctis merely gave a nod, fingers clutching the cot to brace himself. While he couldn't see Ignis tweezing the first barb, he certainly _felt_ it being ripped from his skin. Ignis was blissfully quick, his hands agile, but nothing was going to cease the discomfort it was going to cause.  
  
_"Shit!"_ Noctis kicked his leg, gasping at the pain. " _Oww_."  
  
It was like a hypodermic leaving one's skin, but a lot more abrasive. Thicker, too. And deeper.  
  
"Stop squirming." Gladio already had his palms on the back of Noctis' knees, trying to keep him from moving too much.  
  
"Your bedside manner is great," Noctis mocked, as Ignis tugged two more, and placed them in a sushi bowl beside them. "Surprised you never became a healer."  
  
Gladio squeezed his leg. "Lil shit."  
  
Ignis already had a couple more tugged out, while Noctis' breath hitched. Prompto had moved around to his front, patting Noctis' arm before eyeing the bowl of removed needles.  
  
"Can I see one?"  
  
Ignis said nothing, but it was enough for the blond to take that as a 'yes,' and pluck one to observe it between his fingertips. Noctis watched him, expressionless.  
  
"Damn, these are _huge!_ Only a couple hundred more to go, huh, Noct?"

"Better than a thousand," Gladio added.  
  
Noctis buried his face in the cot, wishing he could just pass out and let this all be over and done with. But thankfully, Ignis was there to spare him, as always.  
  
" _Gentlemen_ ," his Advisor said, clearing his throat, "do you mind allowing Noct and I some space?"  
  
"Hrm? Oh, yeah, uh... sure!" Prompto patted Noctis, giving his fluffy bedhead a brief scratch.  "Good luck! C'mon, Glad."  
  
Gladio released Noctis' legs from his vice-like grip, grunting his response as the two crawled their way back out of the tent. "Remember, Iggy, we need him, _and his ass_ , in one piece."

"I'll be taking the utmost care," Ignis said, as the two retreated.

Peace... at last.  
  
"Thanks," Noctis said, after a few long moments, in which Ignis was rearranging some supplies.  
  
"They were getting on my last nerve," he said with a sigh. "Besides, I want you to be comfortable. Well, as comfortable as this can be..."  
  
Which was, to say, not comfortable at all. But again, Noctis was just lucky that it was Ignis' steady hand.  
  
Ignis situated himself, returning to the task at hand. If they had been anywhere within earshot, Prompto and Gladio would hear groans, yelps, curses and apologies.  
  
Time seemed to slip into a strange lapse, going all too slow for Noctis' liking. When he was about to ask how things were progressing, Ignis almost read his mind, announcing how far he'd come along.  
  
"You're about halfway done," Ignis soothed. Noctis looked over his shoulder at him to see that the older man was sweating, wiping the back of his hand across his forehead. He couldn't imagine that it was easy. More like damned painstaking, and here Ignis was, tirelessly pulling endless needles out of his ass.  
  
"Well," Noctis sighed, "this bites."  
  
Ignis looked at him with barely-held restraint, lips curving upwards. "I suppose you could say that Cactuar was quite a prick."  
  
Noctis let out an ungodly groan, far more dramatic than what each tug and pull of the tweezers caused. He tried, and failed, not to smile at the effort.  
  
"That was a bad one, Specs."  
  
"I know. But it _did_ get you to smile." Ignis paused, a palm placed between Noct's shoulders comfortingly. "Would you like something to drink? We can't have you getting dehydrated."  
  
"Yeah, would love that."  
  
Noctis perhaps expected an Ebony or a bottle of water, but instead, Ignis produced Noctis' favorite soda from the cooler. A rare treat. He raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't push the subject. If he was going to pamper him and let him drink "pure sugar," Noctis wasn't going to ruin it.  
  
Ignis let him drink. It was a bit awkward sipping while on his belly, and it reminded him of when he was a kid, too lazy to get out of bed and eating meals there sometimes.

It was a quiet break before getting back to business.  Noctis' rear was a raw, heated soreness now, rather than sharp, disorienting pain. Though, a few being yanked still had him clinging to the cot, face scrunched up and cries muffled as he buried his face.  
  
At long last, Ignis made another announcement of his progress as another barb clinked into the bowl.  
  
"The intact ones are removed. However, there's a few that look broken. I'll need to... _well_..."  
  
Ignis hesitated, and Noctis could hear the words that he clearly didn't feel comfortable saying.  
  
"... to take my pants off?" Noctis finished for him, another glance given over his shoulder. Ignis' features looked strained, maybe a little flushed. Though, they _were_ in the middle of the desert.  
  
"Yes."  
  
A heartbeat passed.  
  
"You know you don't have to ask," Noctis said quietly.  
  
"And you know that I always will."  
  
Palm upon the small of Noctis' back, lifting the bottom of his shirt, and Ignis' fingertips found the waistband of his pants. He tugged them down ever so gently, along with his briefs, over the curve of his tender rear, being sure to keep his front still covered. Noctis' face went warm as his backside was bared.  
  
"How's it look?" the wounded Prince deadpanned, attempting to cover up the awkwardness.  
  
Ignis made something of a sympathetic _tsking_ noise. "Other than swollen and irritated? Like you took a seat on several succulents."  
  
Noctis snorted. "So how do you wanna do this?"  
  
"Would you like to lie over my lap?"  
  
He knew that he meant it for the sole purpose of convenience, but Noctis wouldn't mind the closeness, either. Ignis sat, with his legs out in front of him as he leaned his back against the cooler, as Noctis carefully crawled on his hands and knees to flop dramatically over his lap, butt raised slightly.  
  
"Some of these are rather deep," Ignis stated, and placed a clean towel across his rear to absorb any blood from the multiple puncture wounds . "I apologize in advance."  
  
"Noted."  
  
The metal of the tweezers was felt pressing into his skin this time, his Advisor's hand against his hip as Ignis had to dig for the offending barbs that had broken off and gone too deep. On a couple of them, he could feel Ignis' fingertips pushing down on his skin, attempting to get a portion of the barb to poke out. Noctis' eyes actually welled up with tears, gripping Ignis' thigh for dear life.  
  
"Agh! Damn it! It hurts... _Ignis_..."  
  
It was like having the biggest, nastiest, splinter pulled, as he grunted and strained, whining out Ignis' name.  
  
"I've got you, Noct," Ignis reassured, taking a moment to gently pat the back of his thigh. "Only a couple more, I assure you. Quite honestly, I'm impressed you've remained conscious this long."  
  
"Yeah, well, I've also had worse."  
  
The words came out somber, chin resting on his forearms.  
  
"I know," Ignis said quietly.  
  
Bodily pain was just one of the things he'd dealt with from a very young age. Ignis had been there... had seen him practically on his deathbed. Now that he thought of it, unintentionally pissing on a Cactuar and it needling his ass was almost hilarious in comparison.  
  
Thankfully, the melancholy mood didn't last long, and a few uncomfortable prods later, Ignis' tone was one of pure, hard-fought victory.  
  
" _Aha!_ That was the last one! Little devil..."  
  
Noctis again looked over his shoulder, straining somewhat as he too, was sweating and breathing in a labored manner from pain. His caretaker was holding the tweezers up, the offending needle displayed at its tip.  
  
"I thought that would never end," Noctis sighed out his exhaustion, body finally relaxing over Ignis' lap.  
  
"Likewise. I'll just need to clean these up. It's going to sting."  
  
"Do your worst."  
  
 Ignis dampened the towel with antiseptic, and gingerly began to dab at his backside. It did burn, but honestly it was almost a relief as the cool cloth cleansed his wounds. Or maybe it was just because it was Ignis who was thoroughly tending to his backside, hands utterly gentle against his pin-pricked skin.  
  
"Guess you always have my back," Noctis joked, a smirk forming.  
  
Ignis' soft chuckle made him feel even better.  
  
"This time, in the literal sense."  
  
Still, Noct was terrified to know what his ass actually looked like. To his horror, he'd have a memory of it, as there was a clicking noise, and then a blinding light filled the darkened space of the tent, causing Ignis to pause his healing touch.  
  
Noctis glanced over to see a camera lens peeking through the tent flap.  
  
"Oh _shit!_ I forgot to turn the flash off!" Prompto was already making a run for it, the lens disappearing from sight. His skinny shadow was seen scrambling away through the transparent material. Goddamn him and his ninja skills... he swore, all the video games paid off sometimes.  
  
"Prompto!" Noctis was already pushing himself up on his elbows, ready to run ass-out and pummel his best friend into the sand. "I'm going to murder you!"

It hadn't necessarily been a quiet couple of hours in the tent, so he could only assume it wasn't the first picture he'd taken incognito.  
  
"Save your strength," Ignis said, and kept him down, the towel pressed more firmly against his rear. "Recall that I still have to cook for him later."  
  
The not-so-subtle threat was good enough for him, as he managed to relax again... though, thoughts of destroying that camera were lingering.  
  
"Iggy, have I told you lately you're the best?"  
  
"No, but I'll graciously accept the compliment, especially after staring at your royal rump for the last two consecutive hours."  
  
"Tell me you didn't like it."  
  
Ignis' silence spoke volumes, even as he broke a potion over his backside. Noctis shifted himself off of his lap and rolled onto his side with a wince. He might have been sore as hell, but he couldn't help but smirk seeing Ignis flustered into silence. As he was once again able to shift, Noctis watched Ignis brush his blond hair out of his eyes, pale, beauty-marked cheeks remarkably pink. Ignis leaned down, reaching to take one of Noct's hands within his own, and planting a kiss to his pallid knuckles

"Perhaps His Majesty needs some ice to cool down a bit."  
  
"Looks like you might need some, too."

"Breakfast it is, then. Oh, and do me a favor, Noct?"

"Hrm?"

"Please, take care not to have a repeat of this. There are far better ways for one to admire such a view."

"Not planning on it."  
  
Noctis squeezed his hand, enjoying the lopsided smile upon the other man's face, before he let him go so that he could get breakfast ready... even if Ignis did, indeed, move to get some soothing ice for his backside, first.  
  
He might be far from fit to be seated upon a throne any time soon (both physically, and the like), but with Ignis by his side, he was sure that he had a chance of getting there eventually.  
  
Just so long as he avoided the territory of aggressive Cactuars...

**Author's Note:**

> A whole new meaning to the "Prince of Pain!" Haha. I hope you enjoyed this silly thing as much as I loved writing it <3


End file.
